I don’t know what you’re going to do with that.

I did my grocery shopping today. Normally I make a point to cook all my food from scratch. I don’t like using boxed or canned foods when I can avoid it. Therefore, I generally do my shopping at New Seasons since their produce and meats are quality, and that’s about all I buy. But I had some other non-food groceries I needed to pick up and I did a Fred Meyer run. I really, really hate going to the Fred Meyer by my house. The parking lot is atrocious and it’s always crowded and full of generally annoying people. There were a group of drunken and very loud middle-aged men going on a beer run walking behind me today. It was pretty awesome.

Point being I got a smattering of things that I don’t buy on my regular grocery runs and the cashier actually pointed this out. When she was bagging my items she said to me, “You sure have a odd assortment of things here today. I don’t know what you’re going to do with them…” I just kinda laughed nervously, as I often do. But then I started thinking about the items in my cart. Were they really that odd? You tell me. Here’s my virtual shopping cart:

-2 frozen DiGiorno pizzas of the Supreme variety
-2 boxes of Kraft Mac n’ Cheese
-Quart size freezer bags
-Parchment paper
-1 loaf size baking pan
-Comet brand granulated bleach
-Twine
-Large metal pins shaped like staples for outdoor use

I mean…..what would I do with all those things? Use the giant staples to kill someone, then dismember them and put them in quart size freezer bags and tie them together with twine, use the bleach to clean up what spilled over the parchment paper I laid down and then bake them into a meatloaf? And the pizza and Mac n’ Cheese are just for cover so I don’t look suspicious. That must be it.

Something I never thought about.

I went to a party tonight not far from my house. It was nice to have a short bike ride. It seems of late I am always coming from downtown or riding home from SE. I parked my bike on the street, in the grass between the sidewalk and the road, locked to a telephone pole. When I left the party all the grass was wet. Sprinklers!! Bah! I never would have thought of that! My seat was wet, my brakes were wet, and my helmet was wet. When I put the helmet on the padding oozed water down my head and over my face. I never thought about the sprinklers. Oh, the obstacles of the urban jungle.

Attack of the 50ft. squirrels.

I am sitting in my kitchen by the window and I caught movement outside out of the corner of my eye. I looked over and there was a squirrel, tail-up, in my planter box! I said, “Hey!” and he turned around with a small lemon cucumber in his mouth, looked at me for a second and ran off. I laughed. And I now understand why my tomato cage is falling over.

Really?

I remember the first time this happened to me: someone apologized to me for not having any children of my own. I remember at the time thinking that I felt especially grown up about it, like the first time someone calls you “ma’am”. My ex and I were looking at houses and the couple who owned this house was there and showing us around. I think she may have been pregnant as well. She was pointing out the many great things about the house for young kids and she asked me if I had any children. I said no, of course. And then she reacted in a way I did not expect. She said, “Oh, I’m so sorry!” And it was very emphatic. Really? Is it such a terrible thing that I don’t have any children that you have to take pity on me? It’s not as if I just told you I have a terminal disease.

This same thing happened to me twice this week, but in the context of significant others. I was at lunch with people from my training class and they were talking about their others. One girl was a newlywed and obviously enjoyed saying “my husband”. Then one of them turns to me and says, “You’re being awfully quiet. Are you married?”

I said, “No. That’s why I’m being quiet”.

The newlywed practically shrieked out, “Oh no! New subject! New subject! I’m so sorry”.

Really? Is it that bad that I’m single? Really? Sure I want to meet someone and be in love and all that, who doesn’t? But it most certainly does not call for pity if I’m not with someone at the moment. My life can be fulfilling without a partner, thank you very much. And for the record, they did not change the subject.

When I got back to Portland I went out for Fuad’s last day and got caught in a conversation with two women who started talking about their significant others and how lucky they are to have found them and how they were so glad to not be on the market anymore. I wasn’t adding much to this conversation and one of them turned to me and said, “I’m sorry. This must be so boring for you.”

Really? Just because I’m not married doesn’t mean I can’t comprehend what it means to have a fulfilling and long-lasting relationship. And, again, I can have a fulfilling life without a partner, thank you very much. Everyone has to be single sometime, people! It’s not the end of the world. Really.

The Walkmen are Assholes or How I Ended Up Working Until Midnight.

Wednesday was the last day at work for a co-worker, Fuad. He invited everyone out to his favorite trendy spot, the Doug Fir. We were all sitting around the fire pit drinking beers/martinis/fancy drinks with strawberries in them when the founder of our company starting talking to these fellows who were there to film the concert that night. They were with some boutique production company out of Austin, which one, I can’t remember. Anyway, the founder ended up selling them on our camera and convinced them to have us film the concert for supplemental material to their footage.

My coworker and friend, Kevin, ended up getting roped into staying for the rest of the night and filming the concert. When he said, “I don’t know how I got roped into staying for the rest of the night and filming this concert” he turned to me and said, “you want to stay and help, right?”

Now, me being the nice person that I am, I said yes. Because really, what the hell? All I was going to do was go home and sit in my apartment alone; I may as well go to a free concert, right?

So, after this I find out the band we are filming is The Walkmen. Coincidentally earlier that day I had my music on shuffle and it kept going to The Walkmen. I haven’t listened to them in a while, but I do like them and I had thought earlier in the afternoon that I really should listen to more of them. And now here I was about to film their concert. Cool, right?

Well, once we eat, have a couple drinks, get everything set up (which by the way, if you just say you are with the crew they will let you backstage no questions asked) we go into the green room to tell the band about the camera on stage, please don’t knock it over, etc. They just stare at us and give us the evil eye. Or rather the “who the hell do you think you are to breathe my air I can’t believe I’m in this shit hole I’m a big rocker man” look. I think they may have grunted to indicate they heard the words coming out of our mouths.

So when we go to put the camera on stage before they go on I head out on stage to tape the wires down and one of the band members looks at me and says in a very stern “who the hell do you think you are get off my stage you nobody girlie” voice, “This is not a good place to be!”

Kevin and I ended up putting the camera in a shitty position, but only because we were certain if we put it anywhere else they would kick it over out of spite.

So, conclusion to the story: I stayed there sitting backstage on a cinder block until midnight when I fell asleep on said cinder block. Kevin stayed another hour after that. And I don’t like The Walkmen anymore because they were mean to me. One less fan buddy – way to go. Keep up your asshole ways and you won’t have any left!

Like a kid on Christmas morning.

This has been a pretty eventful week, but hands down, no questions asked, the most exciting thing that happened to me this week was the harvest of my first vegetable. Those of you who know me well and know the details of the sordid affairs of the last week of my life may ask, “But Liz! Even more exciting than (fill in the blank)?”

Yes.

More exciting.

Not because anything wasn’t exciting, but because I am a giant dork and this is the first thing I have ever grown all on my own and then eaten. I MADE FOOD! Not just cooked food or prepared food – I MADE IT! I gave birth to a lemon cucumber! Just look at it. A mother can’t help but be proud. It’s perfectly shaped, all the skin is there, and it even tastes like a cucumber. And the tomatoes are almost ripe…with more cucumbers on the way…

The Unexpected Evening.

The following things I learned in the last day of my visit to LA.

-60 years can do wonders for a joke, ie German Nazi joke=funny, Mideast terrorist joke=too soon.
-99% of the penguins in Happy Feet are in reality really funny.
-Mr. T knows his way around LA better than you do and he won't take no jibba-jabba.
-If you don't know how to properly use a mouse, you should not be in a $900 After Effects training class.
-If you set your mind to it, you can accomplish your childhood goals.
-If you go out with Alex "Danger" Tarrand, you will end up doing something unexpected...

After driving without the assistance of Mr. T and taking an hour to get from LAX to Santa Monica we had a nice Indian meal, complete with "Nagano 1998 Olympics" drinking glasses. We continued on with the British Empire to the King's Head across the street. It was not only filled with lots of Brits, but also several comedians of varying ability and lots and lots of drunk people who would nudge themselves in front of you as if they were trying to pass, but then just stop and stand there, leaving you with no room and being forced to move.

The post-England hotel room party included a candy hamburger. It was made of "mallow", and bounced back when you poked it. We both took a bite. This is me post-bite. I thought it would be like a Circus Peanut. It was much spongier. We did not eat any more of it.



I also lived out one of my childhood fantasies: eating an entire roll of Bubble Tape at once. Well, to be fair, it was about 4 feet at once. But, damn, people, that's pretty awesome. Alex didn't think I could do it. I say it just shows what determination will get you.

So, conclusion: this trip to LA=100% better than the last. And it's kind of a ridiculous city, meant for ridiculous behaviors....like bubble tape and mallow burgers.

A brief life in Los Angeles.

I'm in Los Angeles. This is my third trip to this fair city this year, with one more on the books in about a month. My last trip here was not the best, to say the least. If you refer back to my blog entry on March 14, "The most wretched hive of scum and villainy...", and the following March 17, "The End of the Vacation", you will find a chronicle of that trip. Which, in the end, was decided it really was a good trip, it was just "challenging". But, now looking back, that trip really marked the end of the end of my last relationship too. So, now looking back on looking back...maybe it really was a bad trip.

So far this trip I have:
-Flown after a couple beers.
-Been on a flight that got in early.
-Picked up by an old friend and subsequently driven all over creation by him.
-In the driving all over creation there were several loops through Koreatown including trying to go to one Mexican restaurant that was closed, then another Mexican restaurant that was closed, then a dungeon bar that was closed and finally ending up in some swanky ass place in Silverlake that I really didn't belong.
-Crackheads at the am-pm.
-Some much needed and overdue closeness.
-Waking up not yet hungover.
-Walks down Century Blvd.
-Sitting next to a guy in an After Effects training class who can't figure out how to use the mouse.
-Almost dying several times as a passenger in crazy LA people's cars.

And I've still got one more night to go. Alex "Danger" Tarrand will be picking me up shortly and who knows what kind of wacky hijinks he has in store.

On topicality...

I sat down to write a blog and wanted to write about something topical, something on the pulse of the world that might spur discussion or thought. And then I realized, I don’t know what’s going on in the world. I don’t have TV, and I don’t have Internet at home. People keep asking me questions like, “Are you watching the Olympics?”. Well, no, I don’t have TV or Internet. I see headlines about people being sick of hearing about Michael Phelps. Phelps? I think I remember him from the last Olympics…presidential race? I don’t click on those links anymore. It just makes me mad and frustrated.

I’ve made a nice bubble for myself. Don’t get me wrong, I still follow the headlines, I surf the web and read mostly news stories in my spare time at work. But I’m not inundated with it. When I go home, I go away from all of it. From the repetition and bias and propaganda of the news, commercials, sit-coms and hour-long dramas with string sections. I’m not conditioned to it anymore, so that when I do see a new show (on Hulu, for example) the pander-down effect of most studio productions is glaringly obvious. Or the best is at the gym watching reality TV with no sound. I had no idea they actually made shows like that. I thought those were all just spoofs.

I like not having a clue. I’m happy that I didn’t know what “TTYN” meant (apparently it’s “talk to you never”, a Paris Hilton-ism). I’m glad that when I get home and I find myself with nothing to do I can’t turn on the TV and watch a rerun of “Everybody Loves Raymond”; I have to sit down and read a book instead. This lifestyle doesn’t necessarily make me feel any smarter for not watching TV and not having current cultural literacy, but it does make me feel more independent.

Updates.

I haven’t written a blog in a while. I think because nothing has really been happening. Life has been in, I don’t want to say a rut, but it has been pretty predictable. Go to work, ride my bike, go to yoga, get a day of running, go out for drinks, ride home, get sweaty, shower, repeat. But in the next couple months I have lots of travel planned, which is exciting. Despite the fact that travel is becoming increasingly more burdensome and laden with delays and crowded flights, I do like to travel. I like the excitement of it and the intrigue of looking out your window at something different for a few days.

I have two trips planned for work, and I will have to work while I’m there, but I will also be afforded the opportunity to see some friends that I have not seen in a long, long, long time and I am very happy for that. My one pleasure trip is also planned with a long lost friend. I think it should be a hoot, as he is way more adventurous than me and I’m looking forward to going along for the ride and having a great time. It’s my impulse vacation. I’ve needed one of those for quite a while now.

In other news it’s been really freaking hot in Portland these last few days. The last three or four days it has topped 100 degrees. Something that I am used to from my former residences, but I’m also used to central AC. It has been a little rough to say the least. Lots of cold showers, sitting in front of the fan and sleeping on top of the sheets. My poor cats who are stuck with fur coats weren’t enjoying it much either and found the best spots in the house were upside down in front of the fan, or in the tub.

My garden continues to grow. I have lots of tiny, green tomatoes and my first lemon cucumber coming in. It’s been a month since I last photographed. Look how far it’s come! Some alley cat found my catnip plant and desecrated it; but it’s hanging in there. I’m hoping someday soon the tomatoes will start to turn red. Still no strawberries though. I think there’s none for me this year.

The Worst Day of My Life...

Turned out not to be the worst day of my life. I went into Saturday with this mindset as I had signed up to do a marathon relay with three friends. That meant 6 miles total for me. The most I have ever run is about 3 in one day (and I walked a good chunk of it). As if this weren’t enough I checked the route of the course on Friday and realized that half of it was up one of the biggest hills in Portland. I was not happy.

Saturday came, and I turned off my brain, got dressed and headed down to the race. I was just going to do it and it would be over and I was fully prepared to be miserable all day long.

It came time for my first lap and I was doing pretty well. I started off downhill and was running for a good distance. I stopped and walked for a little but, but started up running again. I was happy with myself so far. Then the course turned off the main street and onto the hill. And what a hill it was! I was hardly walking up the thing. Forget the running before and after the hill, this thing on it’s own would have tired me out just walking. So I walked it. Slowly but steadily and made it to the top where the 1 mile sign was. Ugh…one more mile in the lap. But from that point it was a subtle downhill the rest of the way through the trees and I flew (for me). I only stopped to walk one other time and it wasn’t for very long.

The second lap was even better; I ran more and was more prepared for the hill and distance. I was feeling great after 4 miles and couldn’t believe it. Then my teammate’s wife called and she was having contractions (and she is due this week), so he left. We had the moral dilemma now of whether to just complete our laps, or to take on his last lap and finish the total miles. We decided to suck it up and take on his last lap too. I was all ready to do it and run four miles straight (which judging by the way I feel today, would not have been a good idea). But my awesome teammate, Laura, (who has a marathon under her belt) lost (or won) at Rock Paper Scissors and she took on the extra lap.

We finished in about 4 hours 33 minutes. And I feel pretty good that I collectively ran a marathon. I don’t think I’ll be doing it on my own any time soon. But I might be crazy enough to do another run sometime.